Sheesh, I know I suck at blogging and even more so now. Funny thing is, is I say I'm so busy and this weekend I thought to myself... How am I busy? What am I doing that makes me so busy? I really couldn't list anything of importance besides life. So I stopped for a minute to look around and figure it all out. In that moment I realized I'm just going, I go and go and go.. I'm done "just going", I probably make no sense but I've been coming to some realizations lately. About A LOT of things. 2012 is a year of changes. For me personally, for my family, for my health and my kids. I've decided I'm no longer just going to go, I need life to slow down some for the sake of my sanity and for me to watch my kids grow. I'm okay with being that busy Mom, with Birthday parties and baby showers and etc to go to, but when it starts to consume you in which case it has, I myself need to stop it. I'm tired, I'm running on empty and honestly feeling slightly back to where I was over 4 years ago. "Depressed" is really not a useful word to use in this case. I know what the feeling of depression is, I was there. I'm not there now and I refuse to let myself get there. I just have the sluggish, bleh feeling. I just need to realize life is so much better when you can slow down and breath. This is where New Year's Resolutions come in.
** I think my realizations have been played out significantly over the past week, due to losing a friend from a freak accident 2 days before Christmas, it hit me extremely hard because not even 3 hours before that happened we were talking at my work, we talked about Christmas and how excited he was, he couldnt wait to be with his kids, cook and eat.and then I got a phone call from my BIL that night and my heart sank. Saturaday the 31st they layed him to rest and that day is also my Dad's Birthday. My heart goes out to his family and his 4 little ones. Life was hard losing my Dad at 21, I can't imagine so at 8 and younger. =(
I love to hate New Years Resolutions, I have many, some probably unrealistic like winning the lottery =), some I question like "pshhh Yea how am I going to accomplish that", and some that I know I can accomplish and plan to. Here we go:
1. Continue Paying off/down debt: This is ongoing and I'm almost there. I can not wait to be debt free. Zero Credit cards to plague me. A Lesson learned, Yes. but never again!!
2. Organize all my pictures within my computer into files and then back them up: I was on top of this up until about 10 months ago. I always backed up my pics onto a hard drive just in case my POS laptop ever took a shit again. I have so many pictures on my comp that are irreplaceable and memories that I can not lose. So this is a must!!
3. Those Digital Pictures; Print and hang: I'm so horribly bad about this. I have tons of pics but nothing printed and nothing hanging. Not since T turned 2 anyway. =( and I have Zero up since M was born. Horrible!
4. Declutter/Reorganize: I'm an organizational freak and I'm a clutter free person, as of late though you wouldn't be able to tell and to some people that's ok, to me its not. I hate clutter, I hate crap all over. I like Clean! I've definitely been less clean (to an extent)and that's ok I have 2 kids, its exhausting running around picking up after them. As far as clutter though, we have boxes everywhere- under beds, in closets, etc. That's what I'm talking about. Most if not all of that stuff can go up in the attic. I don't want to get rid of it, those are memories in those boxes! Just simply de clutter and pack away.
5. School: I have one last class to finish before I'm able to get on the Nursing Wait list. Its a Chemistry class, and I tried doing it at 7 months prego but Chemistry stresses me out and apparently Baby M didn't like it to much either so he sent me into Pre term labor. There went that class. My goal is to finish that, take my HESI A2 test and get my CPR cert. and then I can turn my Application in. I have until June 2012
6. Getting back on track: Meaning eating better all around, cutting out the soda that I have been drowning in. Its bad- I used to drink maybe a soda a week, that was like my treat. As of late, its everyday and Ive even caught myself having two!!! SOOOO not good. Eating better. I haven't been cooking like I used to and I know its because of the adjustment from one kid to two, working and doing the daily grind. Still not an excuse!! Our routine is so effed up that I just gave up on cooking. I admit the last 4 months or so have been horrible with eating and drinking and so on. I gave up on exercise around January of 2011, and I would love love to get back at it. I miss the Gym, I really do!! It was my sanity saver, it was my place I could beat myself up and like it!! I plan to get back there. Come hell or high water I will get back there.
7. Stop making family problems that are unsolvable get the best of me: I have a pretty big family I cam from a family of four. 2 brothers and 1 sister, then myself. As I was growing up my parents did a good job at keeping the family close knit and together. Then my Dad passed away and that tightness I thought we once had, slowly and steadily went out the window. The happy family bubble I once lived in popped and ever since then it has emotionally drained me. I hate that I can't stand my brothers. I work with one of them and I hate it!! I hate that I'm unable to see my 3 nephews because of my SIL including my brother (supposedly we "the family" is diseased) Yea that's an entirely long drawn out post and honestly I cant even begin to write a novel like that! So lets just say its bad, I hate her and honestly I hate him for not allowing us to see my nephews. So I've promised myself that beginning this year I can no longer let there hatred get the best of me. I miss my Nephews like crazy!! I hope that one day they will realize that it was not us that didn't want to see them, that it was there own mother and father who didn't want them to see us!! Until then, there is nothing I can do about it and I have to stop letting it eat at me.
I have so many other resolutions in mind, but for now I would like to accomplish whats listed.