Mommy 2 Two Boys: APRIL 17, 2004

is the day I lost my Dad- I hate this day!! I really do. I hate everything about this day

April 17th is the day my Dad was taken away from me.. and yes he was TAKEN away from me.. I know he's in a better place and I know one day I will be with him again, but I am mad that he was taken from me, way to early!! Its not fair nor right, he was such a good man, such a good person and would do anything for family, friends anyone who needed help he was there to lend his giant hand.. I miss his dirty hands, ya know the grease under the nails, rough and scruffy, way to dry of hands- yay I miss those.. I miss seeing him in the morning when coming to work or hearing his big red truck pull up. I miss that smirk he would give you as to say hello but not out right say it. I miss so much about my Dad ~ He has missed out on so much,,My Wedding, My Son's birth, his grand kids growing up all 10 of them, graduating, a black president!! hahah - I try to stay strong and tell myself he's here in spirit and I'm sure he is.. I know he's watching over me - US.. but I miss him - I think I miss him more now than I did last year or the year before..

Its been 5 years since he's been gone- 5 years and you would think as time goes on -things would get easier as the days approach.. YAY not so much.. Its pretty much the same feelings and they start the day before and the crying just comes and tears just fall - without me even trying..

Its like my body knows - not just my mind..

Yesterday - I went to the gym and I saw my Uncle.. Now my Uncle has been out of our lives for about 4 years and suddenly just came back into our lives about a week before my wedding- I'm angry with him because of what he did 4 years ago etc - that's another post-

I'm cordial to him but that's it.. So I walked into the gym and brought Tristan into the daycare- well from the daycare there is a window into the office area and I glanced up and had to do a double take it was like seeing my Dad.. I felt the tears well up and I hurriedly put T down and gave the daycare lady an overview and walked out.. and lost it..

My Uncle looks exactly like my DAD, no joke..Well no kidding you say- they are brother's, but the way he was sitting - his face, his body structure and stature, the way he was wearing his glasses and the way he looked up from his glasses gave me flashbacks of what my Dad used to do.. I couldn't even look at him.. it took all I had to keep it together while working out..

Last night before I went to bed -of course I shed more tears and finally drifted off to sleep..
Woke up and was fine until of course I got to work and got in the surroundings of were my dad used to be and that damn door he used to walk through to come to our side of the building.. I hate that door - every time it opens it reminds me of my dad..

My Mom and My Sister always go up to Parker on this day - to bring my Dad flowers and leave some memorabilia and then go gamble at the Blue Water Casino and hope my dad helps them win since my Dad loved to gamble.. :0) I don't go anymore- its to hard to go to Parker- as soon as we turn into Parker I just get the flashbacks to the "DAY", John had to drive me up there and the Best Western is right smack in my face were we had to go to see my Mom..

Its heart wrenching having to even pass through Parker on our way to Havasu- although we do stop by, John and I go down to the water and say hello and chill out for awhile.. and we then head out. I know people say its always nice to have a "place" to go and visit but for me that's not the case.. The place to visit him is in my heart.. maybe in "more" time I will be able to go to Parker on this day and be able to smile and not cry so much but for now- I can't and I won't..

I'm angry and I'm mad - at this day..