Happy New Year's!!

Yesterday was my Dad's B-day.. He is 59 years old. So crazy to think he's been gone for 5 years!!  Almost 6 years come this April.  I miss him like crazy- for some reason I have been more emotional that usual and stop right there I AM NOT PREGNANT!!!   No way- No How, I am making 100%  sure that does not happen!! At least not until after my cruise. mmm kay..
Anyway - like I said I really do miss him. Maybe it also has to do with the fact that this year we have lost quite a few people in our lives.  For One we lost Jacob, i posted about this. I think about him everyday- (I'm a song person, so certain songs always stick out more when I think of people) does that make sense? Are you like that?  Like for Example; the Song by The Fray - "Never Say Never", Yay That song somehow brings tears to my eyes, not as bad as it used to when I would hear it. Actually the day I heard them sing it in church thats when I think my tears became less- weird.. We also lost a really good woman to Cancer, (FECK CANCER)!!!  Anyway - I didn't know her very well, I only got to meet her I think 2-3 times. but the mark she left on me is undeniable. She was only 58 and her poor body was consumed by cancer. :(
Not only did we lose her to cancer we also lost my Sister N' Laws Mother to Cancer, This woman was a fighter she fought breast cancer twice and went through remission twice, this last time the cancer come back and it came back strong. She fought her hardest though, but that DAMN cancer took her.   So F*ck Cancer!!!
Back to my songs.. I think it was like a week before Christmas and I was driving home. Thinking about things and what I needed to do, Carrie Underwoods new song came on, "Temporary Home", Of course the first part is about a little boy which automatically makes me think of Jacob, the 2nd verse really didn't have any meaning towards me but the Last - Ugh, the last verse had me in sobs.. :( 
Read on.....

Old man, hospital bed

The room is filled with people he loves

And he whispers don't cry for me
I'll see you all someday

He looks up and says "I can see God's face"

This is my temporary Home

It's not where I belong

Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through

This was just a stop,on the way To where I'm going

I'm not afraid because I know this was

My temporary home."

This is our temporary home

So yea, I am definitely a song person, and this song definitely got me!!   I feel like this song is so true, and I choose to believe this!   I'm so sad that My Dad, My SIL's Mom, Yvonne and Jacob were taken so soon, but I know they are HOME, They are happy and I know my Dad is with me every single day. It really just takes me thinking of him, for all the memories to come swooshing back in, like the way he smelled, the way he giggled(more like a chuckle) the chicken pecking of his fingers on the computer because his fingers were to fat and he couldn't see the letters so he had to do it one at a time, the way he would look up from his chair with this smurk of, What do you want now?   My Dad was definitely a great man and I wish Tristan had the chance to meet him. One day he will, but for now I will make sure he knows him through me and pictures!! 

Happy Birthday Daddy-O

This totally wasn't meant to be a sad post- its the New Year!! Time for New Things and New Memories. I just needed to reflect on that.

Next post will be uppity!!  ooo  Guess what...  I finally got my ass to the gym today!! (can I get a hoo haaa)  I did 35 minutes of cardio- I need to get back into it for sure - I have lost my mojo. haha  I plan to go the rest of the weekend and take Monday off then head in Tues and do some strength training.  So here we go!!!  :0)   you want another downer, not for you but for me.. I gained 7 effin lbs people!!  Feckin Holidays!! Oiiii.. I lost my self control... Never again..

I hope you had a great New Years, and I hope you have a great Year ahead!!! 

APRIL 17, 2004

is the day I lost my Dad- I hate this day!! I really do. I hate everything about this day

April 17th is the day my Dad was taken away from me.. and yes he was TAKEN away from me.. I know he's in a better place and I know one day I will be with him again, but I am mad that he was taken from me, way to early!! Its not fair nor right, he was such a good man, such a good person and would do anything for family, friends anyone who needed help he was there to lend his giant hand.. I miss his dirty hands, ya know the grease under the nails, rough and scruffy, way to dry of hands- yay I miss those.. I miss seeing him in the morning when coming to work or hearing his big red truck pull up. I miss that smirk he would give you as to say hello but not out right say it. I miss so much about my Dad ~ He has missed out on so much,,My Wedding, My Son's birth, his grand kids growing up all 10 of them, graduating, a black president!! hahah - I try to stay strong and tell myself he's here in spirit and I'm sure he is.. I know he's watching over me - US.. but I miss him - I think I miss him more now than I did last year or the year before..

Its been 5 years since he's been gone- 5 years and you would think as time goes on -things would get easier as the days approach.. YAY not so much.. Its pretty much the same feelings and they start the day before and the crying just comes and tears just fall - without me even trying..

Its like my body knows - not just my mind..

Yesterday - I went to the gym and I saw my Uncle.. Now my Uncle has been out of our lives for about 4 years and suddenly just came back into our lives about a week before my wedding- I'm angry with him because of what he did 4 years ago etc - that's another post-

I'm cordial to him but that's it.. So I walked into the gym and brought Tristan into the daycare- well from the daycare there is a window into the office area and I glanced up and had to do a double take it was like seeing my Dad.. I felt the tears well up and I hurriedly put T down and gave the daycare lady an overview and walked out.. and lost it..

My Uncle looks exactly like my DAD, no joke..Well no kidding you say- they are brother's, but the way he was sitting - his face, his body structure and stature, the way he was wearing his glasses and the way he looked up from his glasses gave me flashbacks of what my Dad used to do.. I couldn't even look at him.. it took all I had to keep it together while working out..

Last night before I went to bed -of course I shed more tears and finally drifted off to sleep..
Woke up and was fine until of course I got to work and got in the surroundings of were my dad used to be and that damn door he used to walk through to come to our side of the building.. I hate that door - every time it opens it reminds me of my dad..

My Mom and My Sister always go up to Parker on this day - to bring my Dad flowers and leave some memorabilia and then go gamble at the Blue Water Casino and hope my dad helps them win since my Dad loved to gamble.. :0) I don't go anymore- its to hard to go to Parker- as soon as we turn into Parker I just get the flashbacks to the "DAY", John had to drive me up there and the Best Western is right smack in my face were we had to go to see my Mom..

Its heart wrenching having to even pass through Parker on our way to Havasu- although we do stop by, John and I go down to the water and say hello and chill out for awhile.. and we then head out. I know people say its always nice to have a "place" to go and visit but for me that's not the case.. The place to visit him is in my heart.. maybe in "more" time I will be able to go to Parker on this day and be able to smile and not cry so much but for now- I can't and I won't..

I'm angry and I'm mad - at this day..

I HATE THIS DAY!!! I miss My DAD!!

R.I.P. Daddy - O 04/17/04

I love you ~ Jenni